Recently, you took up the Yell free challenge! It’s almost a week since I sent out my introductory mail. How many of you actually tried it?
- Those of you who tried it … you are doing an awesome job
- Those who tried but yelled once or twice … it’s okay you can give yourself a second chance
- Those who have still not taken up the challenge … here’s why you should take it up
We often think that by yelling the child will do their work quickly or listen to us. No, it does not work that way. While we are yelling, our facial expressions become very scary and angry. Children have a very sensitive nervous system and when we yell they get scared. Why do we get the results from yelling is because the children get scared and they actually want us to stop that is why they quickly perform the task. Over a period of time, the children also get used to yelling and they learn to tune in when we are yelling.
Something as small as children fighting with each other as to who will open the car’s door first is good enough for you to start yelling. Such small things usually occur nearly every day and may be repeated more often during the day as well. Incidents like reminding them to brush their teeth, wash their hands after they come from outside and cleaning up their mess are very insignificant. But all said and done when these events are reminded on a daily basis, they kind of give rise to the initial sparks of anger and ultimately YELLING!!
A child’s behaviour can be as irritating as possible, but that is definitely not the cause of our anger. It is very easy to play the blame game and we conveniently say that they are not behaving, but the flipside is that their behaviour is only a trigger to our anger.
There is a blueprint for YELLING. Yes, that’s right when we yell the following things happen:
Identify Your Triggers: No one likes to sulk and yell the whole day. Yelling happens because of a trigger. You may be very tired at work. On returning home you figure out that you have to toss up a meal for the family and make your child do their assignments. These things just keep adding up one by one and there is a possibility that you are going to lose your cool soon. Just then you notice that your kid has not cleared up his miss … and bang that is like the last straw on the camel’s back.
Here, the trigger is the child’s behaviour
Jumping to Conclusions: Siblings often fight, whine and have some sort of unseen rivalry among them. These are very normal and we as parents often fail to understand the same (now I understand my mother’s state). They act this way and cope up with the same and in no way, there is any scheming going on against you. Sometimes it is normal for the children to act bold and lively in front of their parents. We often lose our cool because we think something is wrong with them and that they should not behave like this. (Have we forgotten our time). So stop thinking that your children are never good to one another, what will happen when they grow up.
Did you just jump to some conclusion!!
Root for Yelling: When the last straw acts up, you start to lose our cool, you are not prepared and instead of being the chilled out parent, you suddenly start yelling. It’s OK to say SORRY … this just helps to deal with the root and allows our children to understand that an emotional vent out sometimes leads us to talk in a manner which we don’t want to and neither should they. Sometimes it is not the parent who loses control but maybe the kid who really does need to change his or her behaviour. At this time talk to your child and try to fix the problem.
A root can be anything as simple as your thoughts, or the environment, guilt, stress, fear and exhaustion that push you to limits to respond to your child with anger
Important Things to Know About Anger
- When we flare up with anger, the emotions concealed tightly beneath the triggers are often considered to be from our childhood. The term “ghosts in the nursery” is aptly used here. This means that we often remember our experiences as a child which includes conflicts with our parents, a sense of being lonely and any other traumatising memory. These ghosts often return and haunt us when we become parents. However, with determination, one can get rid of these ghosts.
- Figuring out the triggers, which make us angry takes a lot of confidence and honesty, but in the end, it does help in a great way, especially in getting a good riddance from the ghosts of past.
- Have you ever seen a child when they are tired? How do they behave? They start throwing tantrums. Similarly, when we get angry we lose the power to think and start throwing tantrums. An adult who acts like a child is strapped to childhood triggers.
- Last but not the least, feeling angry is fine. Just like the way you feel happy and sad, similarly anger also has its own phase, but it is up to you to decide who is the boss – we controlling the anger or anger controlling us!
To go yell free the first thing which we need to do is find out the triggers. Then a way by which we can get rid of the triggers before they take us for a ride.
Use the Trigger Identification Worksheet to help you find your triggers responsible for yelling.
Also Read: Go Yell Free